Oh my, it has been so long since my last blog and my heart
has been so filled with words all this time. Life is just chaotic and busy and
most days more than I can handle, much less putting words to paper or finding
the time to post more RealLife Pics. I’ve spent the past month wrestling with
sick kids and harsh realities…the kind that feel like a kick in the gut and
change your reality forever.
My youngest, Tate, is without a doubt a blessing to our
family. The child that we knew we were supposed to have even though we had said
we were done. He came into the world fast and furious but was the sweetest
little baby. From the start his health was a struggle and we experienced
numerous doctor, ER and hospital visits. As he got a little older his demeanor
changed from happy to miserably grouchy. We spent our days attempting to
snuggle while he screamed and cried. He became aggressive and emotionally shut
off and it was heartbreaking to see him struggle daily. My reality changed
practically overnight and most days seemed unbearable. The joy in our home
seemed to seep away more and more daily and I found myself wondering why this
was my life.
Close to Tate’s second birthday we made some diet tweaks and
found an essential oil regimen that had him functioning so much better. But as
time went on and we were less strict with his diet, he regressed. There are no
words that adequately describe a life nothing like what you imagined, but its even
worse when you see your child struggle with no way to help. We were doing everything
we could to help him, and I secretly wondered what was really wrong with this
child. Having raised two other children through the toddler years, I knew that
his behavior was far from normal. They were the kind of fears you keep buried
in the back of your mind and avoid at all costs.
Then it happened, we were at a doctor’s appointment because
Tate had been struggling with a “stomach bug” for over three weeks. His
cultures showed no parasites or infection, so we were left with a simple answer
of “it will get better”. But during that
visit, the Dr noted Tate’s anxiety, slow speech and lack of socialization…all
signs of autism. He wanted to have Tate’s hearing and speech tested and the
dreaded “A” word was used. I should clarify he in no way said my son suffered
from Autism, but my biggest fears were right there, spoken, and a punch in the
gut like no other. In one moment all of my dreams and desires for this little
boy were dashed at the thought of him fighting this for the rest of his life.
Struggling to connect and relate to the world, struggling to learn and thrive
and live what most would view as a “normal” existence. This was my baby, and
while there are wonderful people fighting this fight daily, I didn’t want my
baby to be one of them.
I give you this emotional context because the flurry of
emotion and the impact is so crucial to a heart change…so crucial to feel that
blow and find a way to keep standing. Our family clung to God, sought prayer
for the elders in our church and started to explore other causes for his
behavior. Almost instantly gluten intolerance and celiac disease came to light
with cases of it mimicking Tate’s situation, not to mention the mysterious
“stomach bug” he had been fighting. We removed gluten from his diet and almost instantly
he was a different child, he is socializing and happy and the “tummy bug” was
gone. He was all of a sudden a normal toddler!
The emotions of the journey, which has in many ways just
begun, were not so quickly healed, and that’s okay. It was as if God was
hitting the reset button in my life. I think back over the past two years
fighting for Tate’s health, struggling to survive each day and wondering why
this was my life. There have been numerous times throughout the journey with
Tate that I tried to find outlets for me in midst of it all…thinking that a
hobby or fun thing would somehow make it more tolerable. So many blogs and
articles and journals encourage mothers to seek an outlet and take care of
them; I would in no way say that is a bad or wrong message, but I now believe
that seasons will come when that just isn’t possible. Each and every outlet I
pursued required me to walk away; the at home sales opportunity that was perfect
for me, the early morning workouts that just weren’t feasible with so many
hospital stays and sleepless nights, the play dates that were next to
impossible with a child like Tate, and so many other missed chances. My life
needed to focus solely on this child and my family, there was room for little
else.
I’ve realized that it’s okay to have seasons where our focus
is on nothing but what’s in front of us. It took me a long time to accept that
my view of perfect, that all of those amazingly wonderful things I used to love
doing, might not happen right now, and if they do, it likely won’t meet my
previous standards. And while I wish I could only embrace the perfect and revel
at how amazing it is, I know that without the imperfect, my life would be a
shallow mess of perfect pictures and little depth. It’s the valleys that allow
us to appreciate the mountaintops…I’m still waiting to find my way back to the
mountaintop, but even a few more feet up the mountain is improvement. And
needing to cling to God daily, while hard, isn’t a bad place to be. Being able
to experience his provision and grace daily with a raw heart is a huge
blessing!
While this journey isn’t over, and has been less than fun, I
know that right now God is requiring me to live in the trenches and fight for
those he’s given me. I know that I fail daily and offer less patience than I should…but
it’s my journey and God is teaching me. The more I am required to give (and
I’ve given so much more than I knew I had!), the deeper I love. I never knew
how strong my Momma Bear instincts could be until they were tested, and who
knows, you might see me crusading for a Tate cause someday soon, but I will
leave that for another day.
“Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, For
His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your
faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22,23
